We who are about to die
by mystiri1
Summary: One-shot. Crack-ish. Zack and Sephiroth are trapped in an enemy fortress, completely surrounded, and hugely out-numbered. And there's something Zack wants to get out of the way... Yaoi.


**_Warning: _**_This story contains mention of male/male and male/female sexual relationships. And Zack, who occasionally needs his own warning.  
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Peering around the corner, Zack managed to pull his head back just before a round of fire came their way. They were inside an enemy fortress, completely surrounded by hostile forces, and they'd been fighting for nearly twelve hours now. All because he'd said yes to this crazy mission.

Why had he said yes to this mission anyway? Oh, right, that was it – he was following Sephiroth.

He turned and glared at the silver-haired man sitting beside him. It didn't seem to have any effect, as Sephiroth continued to calmly switch out the materia he had equipped for others he'd apparently been carrying. A trickle of dried blood still marked his temple, the reason they weren't already out of here.

They were supposed to sneak in under the cover of darkness, scout the fortress, and sabotage the supplies. Then they had permission to cause as much havoc as possible on the way out, and Zack had to admit, even if he didn't have Sephiroth as an excuse, that would have tempted him. He excelled at havoc. It was listed in his file under military specialties. Having gained the necessary intelligence and hopefully damaged the fortress beyond defensibility, they were then to leave before reinforcements arrived. They'd been on a tight schedule, as no less than three battalions were due the next morning.

It was just one of those things, really. They'd been happily causing mass destruction – well, he had; it was hard to tell if Sephiroth was enjoying himself or not – when a flying piece of rubble struck Sephiroth on the side of the head. A piece of rubble the size of Zack's fist. The great general dropped like a rock.

Zack cursed the fact he hadn't thought to bring any Phoenix Downs. But Sephiroth had never needed one on any of the missions they'd been on, and he'd felt pretty secure with the general watching his back. So he'd hastily cast a Cure – not one of his best spells, dammit – and found a hiding place to wait for his friend to wake up.

Part of him had been hugely relieved when he did wake up, as that had been a nasty dent in the side of his head. That relief had been overshadowed when Sephiroth required a full briefing on where they were and what they were doing, even if he brushed it off as 'short-term memory loss, common with head injuries'. And it had dwindled more when Sephiroth's aim proved to be a little… off.

His sleeve had a sooty black mark where it had been singed by a passing fireball.

But daylight was well and truly here now, as were the reinforcements. Zack now had to fight his way out of the fortress, past three battalions, with a general who still didn't seem to be entirely there.

"Well, clearly we need to find another out of the way spot," he announced. "Especially as they keep shooting us in this one. We need a place where we won't be interrupted."

"Hmm?" Sephiroth looked up. "Why? I thought the goal was to get out of here?"

"Because we're surrounded and hugely outnumbered. And," Zack paused dramatically, "I don't want to die a virgin!"

Sephiroth frowned. "But you're not a virgin."

"How do you know, Mr I-have-a-head-injury-and-don't-remember-good?"

"Because it's only the events leading up to the head trauma in question I don't remember. I do remember you telling me you 'scored big time' last week after your date with that Linda woman, down in accounting. And there was Julie from Reception before that, not to mention Sarah from the secretarial pool, and that waitress -"

"Alright, already, I recognise the names. But I could still be a virgin in other ways!" He lowered his voice and gave Sephiroth a mock-shy look. "I've always wondered what it would be like to be taken by another man."

"Then perhaps you should get medical to examine you when we get back, too."

"Why?"

"Memory loss. That red-headed kid from the Turks? I think you said you took turns being on top."

"Well, damn. What about you? Any pesky first-times you'd like to get out the way before we're horribly killed?"

That got him a Look. The kind of Look that deserved a capital letter, and maybe a nice hot cup of tea with some stiff alcohol in it to help with the recovery afterwards. "I don't believe our situation is so bad that you should be attempting to commit suicide, Zackary, even by way of provocation."

"Geez, fine. I just wanted to get laid one last time before I died."

"Interesting."

"What?" Zack's head whipped around. "So you'll do – oh." Sephiroth was looking at one of his materia, holding it up with a pleased expression on his face. "What is it?"

"Earth. Fully Mastered. I believe a Quake3 should cause a fair amount of panic and disorder. Enough to let us out of here. Then we just need to cut a pathway through the rest of them."

He made it sound so simple, but with Sephiroth it often was. Zack had watched him carve a swath through enemy forces before, as wide as the full length of his blade on either side. He'd simply plough straight through them, and his opponents were left trying not so much to fight, but to get out of the way. Tactically it sounded like suicide, but if you were the Silver General, it was an effective way of getting from Point A to Point B with a minimum of fuss.

"Why didn't you use it earlier?"

Sephiroth shrugged. "Didn't remember I had it."

Zack sighed. "Well, if we're not going to be having sex, I don't see any reason to hang around here."

"We're not going to be having sex."

"Spoilsport."


End file.
